Sunday, November 15, 2009

From the Inside Out

"Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades,
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame,
And the cry of my heart is to give you praise,
From the inside out, Lord my soul cries out"

So, I am married. From where I sit at my kitchen table there are empty boxes piled high just waiting to be taken to the street, dishes in the sink piled even higher (Corey isn't surprised), a large wire rack filled with fun kitchen items, laundry in the washer, cookies on the counter, a set of golf clubs in the corner and a long list of thank you notes I need to write taunting me from the living room. But it is the weekend, and I'm putting everything aside to share a little thought with cyberspace.

Since the last post, an embarrassing 3 month ago, I have been through the whirlwind of last minute wedding planning, a wedding, a honeymoon and the acquisition of a new roommate. Just saying that makes me want to take a nap. While I can't wait to write about all of the festivities, it is usually the off-beat, random thoughts that really get me motivated to type. So here it goes.

Thank you is the buzz word of my life a the moment. The last few months for me, have been a season of thanksgiving. While I wasn't expecting that to be the theme of my wedding and new marriage, it certainly is. Probably out of pride or insecurity, I have lived my life feeling uncomfortable with people doing things for me. I don't want to be indebted to anyone or have them secretly resent that they gave to me more than I gave to them. I want to be in the black, debt free. But when you get married there is no way to every repay the generosity of your family and friends. Neither for their time, their money, their giving hearts, or their outpouring of love. I am indebted to them forever. Many people traveled from far away, some lost hours of sleep, some did much more cleaning and cooking than they ever wanted to, some threw georgous parties and had sweet words to say. That is just the tip of the iceberg.

Maybe in the past, I foolishly felt like I deserved some of the blessings God gave me and also the ones I would allow from other people. Now, under this waterfall of blessing I can't keep up and I can't give enough back. When I think about my wedding, or look at Corey, or remember my friends and family, I feel completely undeserving of the gift. What was hard for me to accept at first, is now the source of the deepest feeling of gratitude I have ever known. It has allowed me to worship and praise God in ways I have not before. It has allowed me to look at Corey in a new light and feel humbled that I have the love of such a man. I never knew that feeling so undeserving would bring so much joy. May I never feel entitled again, may I never try to stay debt-free for it is just an illusion, may I never lose the heart of praise that can only come from humility.

I was driving around town yesterday when a song came on by Hillsong called Inside Out. If you haven't already heard it, I encourage you to listen to it. Do you know the feeling when you hear a song that puts into words exactly how you feel? Well this song did that for me. Living in the moment of your joy knowing that there are so many more joys and sorrows to follow in your life, but stopping for second to thank the One who lives forever, who gave us our lives, provides us will good things, and holds everything in his grasp, ahhh peace. "Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades..."